of that lonely christmas

I've got alot of things to say.

But this post is solely dedicated to Christmas.

So....

MERRY XMAS YO!

of leading by example

4am.

I'm tired yet I can't sleep. But I'm grateful as I'm taking this time to reflect on the past month. I do enjoy my work now, ironically because I hate desk-bound jobs. I have learned so much and this is what I would take away from my National Service.

Being an Officer isn't easy. Oh hell, who said it would be easy? But again, I'm not complaining. It just pushes me on fer greater things. On top of the pile of work, I still take some time off and people would think I'm not working. But I can't imagine myself working straight 7-8hours each day. I walk around, workout in the gym, talk to my men and whatever else to get work out of mind. One very important take away from this month would be taking care of the men under me. I can't just work and work and work and forget about my men.

I had some time to know them, to befriend them and to draw the line when I need to. And it's paying off thankfully. And strangely enough, they are the ones who motivate me to work. Respect is a mutual thing and it's damn hard to earn it.

"I answer for their training, morale and discipline." from the Officer's Creed.

Live by the Creed.

I'm not angry and I never will, just.. disappointed.

of anywhere but here

I remember the day back in OCS, when my buddy asked me this question:

"If you had any power, be it superhuman or from superheroes in the comics/movies, what would it be?"

I pondered for awhile, and answered, "The power to persuade to do anything I desire, the act of coercion". He nodded. "That's actually a personality question." Further on he probed another question,

What would be the Weakness of this power? - I wouldn't be able to do it on someone I love the most.

"So what does these questions mean?", I asked.

"You'll find out one day."

And strangely enough, that moment is still stuck in my head...

of essence of leadership

"A true leader has the confidence to stand alone, the courage to make tough decisions, and the compassion to listen to the needs of others. He does not set out to be a leader, but becomes one by the quality of his actions and the integrity of his intent. In the end, leaders are much like eagles...they don't flock, you find them one at a time."

of achievements

I opened my eyes, staring into the ceiling of my bedroom and suddenly, I had this feeling.

The feeling to go have a run. 8pm on my watch but I could not be bothered. I've always wanted to run again, after procrastinating time and time again. So I did it and felt so damn good after it. It was a short run, just 5km but the feel of accomplishment to do it, yes, to do it, felt so good.

I really need to start exercising again. Office work really glued me to my seat nowadays, with the never ending work with crazy deadlines.

I remember how my anger would get the best out of me. But I feel that I have full control of it now. I remember countless times when I lashed out at my friends, they never look the same way at me again. It's something that I've always been trying and I maybe I've achieved it.

Patience is a virtue, not anger...

of meeting you halfway

i can't go any further than this...
i want you so badly, it's my biggest wish...

of second chances

I really need a break from work. The endless meetings that I had to attend, the amounting problems each day I had to face. Not that I can't handle it, let me just call this, work rant. Hah.

I'm sure all of you have something to rant about. Thankfully there's friends and colleagues helping each other out, although some of them just to have the easy way out and don't bother about a single thing.

Firstly when I entered the officer as an officer, it was the "rank-barrier". Slowly but surely this rank barrier will be gone in no time but there's another barrier that I would need to face, the "friend-barrier". Of course, its harder to make someone to do a task if you're a friend. They'll do it eventually after a bit of influencing. That's what I'm trying to learn.

The art of persuading/influencing. heh.


Would you ever give someone a second chance?

I'm not too sure myself...

of camaraderie part 2

I know that winning isn't everything yet I still would want to win. I've been through many criticism, be it rugby, soccer, any sports or anything really. It's demoralising to be honest but something inside me tells me to improve, to prove them wrong, to show who I am. I'm driven, thats what I am.

We lost in the end, 2-4 in that Ultimate Frisbee match. After much criticism from the previous matches, we were driven to prove anyone wrong but yet, sometimes, things don't go your way. But like what Russell Swan said in my previous posts, "I won my kind of million dollars"

I really miss the camaraderie that I had in all of my team activities, from sports and from the outdoor lifestyle. The fellowships and the friendships forged will always be etched in my mind.

And I really hope I do have a chance to do something like this again. I've taken up individual sports as well, like Archery, Air Rifle and single events in sports day and I just don't feel the same sense of achievement, even if I will win the gold. I don't know, maybe it's just me.

Opinions?

of camaraderie part 1

"Ok. We need to form up a frisbee team for the Sports Day which is next month. You, come. You, come. You, come. Ok we need, a few more. Before I choose you, volunteer yourself, help us represent for Sports Day."

Unknowingly, 8 of us got ourselves into the frisbee team with almost all of us with a little or no knowledge of how Ultimate Frisbee is actually played. But we had so called "incentives". Just play frisbee every Monday, Wednesday and Friday for a month without participating in any endurance runs which are usually planned. Some grumbled, some enthusiastic but we trained and trained.

Another 3 decided to join us a week later, due to the fact that most of their friends are in the team and no one's playing soccer with them. Then a week after, another 2 joined us, for the sake of passion and the willingness to help out and win for the Sports Day. Morale was a boost. Now we have two players who know how to play really well and we learnt alot from them.

Sport's Day came. Believe it or not, we lost to Team XYZ by 4-0 in the first match, which resulted us to have a second chance in the Loser's Pool. Demoralized but we knew that we needed to win the next one to continue in the tournament. We played our hearts out for the second match we win 3-1.

Third Match aka Semi-Finals was a tough opponent but we kept telling ourselves that we have trained so hard from scratch that nothing in this world would dampen our spirits and heart to win this. After much much drama, we won 3-2.

Finals await us. Opponent....... Team XYZ against the whole world looking at us from the Grand Stands. Previously our matches we played away from the main field but for the Finals, the main event of the day, were to be played in the main field.

We were nervous, we were exhausted from our previous matches but all in all, we were excited. Another chance at the opponent that trashed us. Another chance to prove ourselves worthy. Another chance to show that our trainings paid off. Another chance to show our brotherhood formed.

4mins to the game. We were 2-0 up.....

6mins left
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of better than to never try

I reached home and unpacked my stuffs, turned on the TV and it was showing Survivor:Samoa. Survivor really challenges one to the limit and if I had a chance to participate, oh hell yeah I would. But this episode had an incident that a man had fainted and had to be dropped out of the game.

I felt he was the best player in the game at that point of time and to be dropped out of an injury would be such a waste. He was the Leader of Galu, a tribe, and mentioned that everyday he would think about his team and their future reward/challenges, about their food and almost everything team related. He had only little food everyday yet he would walk for miles to get firewood. He was determined to win that million dollars but his body, of all things, failed him which was utterly demoralizing.

"Every minute that I was here was to win this game, every stick of wood was to win this game, every late hour keeping the fire going through the rain was to win this game, every minute the group huddled in the shelter in the rain while I am out fishing that was to win the game. I did everything in my power but I learnt my lesson, somethings just don't turn out for you."

"Whatever it is that you wanted to do, whatever that thing is that always has been nagging about in your head, go for it. Because to do it, to be in it and fail, it's better than to never try. And if I get those type of opportunities, that I won my kind of one million dollars"

-Russel Swan

I saw only 5 minutes of that show till it ended but the words said in that 5 minutes will always be remembered.

of a return from hiatus

I remember back when i was Secondary Three when I was arguing with my mum in the middle of the night on why I could not chill out with my friends, why I am always bounded with curfews, why do I always have to stay home and not go out and comparing with some of my friends that could enjoy so much freedom at that point of time. All in all, I could only remember one thing that she said "You will thank me for bringing you up when you grow older" and I really didn't believe I would say that.

6 years now, I haven't tell her this, nor I plan to. I don't know how to say this now, as I'm typing this, I'm trying to find the words to say what I feel. To make it really simple...

Thank you, mum.

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I have always wanted to start blogging again but I just could not find the right time. Right time you may ask? For me, it's all about the the feeling, the urge and the anxiety that needs to be shared. These past four months had been a blast.

From my very own 21st birthday, from Commissioned as a Officer, posted to Maju Camp and reposted to Pasir Laba Camp, meeting many new people of all ages, celebrating friends' birthdays that I watched them grow since they were teenagers and getting thrown into situations that you have no knowledge or background in, just to name a few. And it all boils down to one value that I have learned from these four months.

The ability to adapt.

I don't know about the readers who are reading this but I feel that the Army has changed me. Really, if you feel so, tell me. People in this world are very selfish in terms of positive criticism or praises, don't let them be you. These are the things that make one grow or feel a sense of achievement but still, we are all selfish. I admit, I'm selfish but I'm learning to give praises and comments on the go, of course, trying to put it in a good manner.

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And I'm tired. I need a getaway for a few days. 9 days of leave and I'm thinking to go on a holiday with that or stay home and sleep. Heh.


What about now?

of living life the right way

life. its so goddamn political but actually, its pretty simple. PEOPLE make it complicated. thats why i decided to keep things simple from now on.

i have a recent colleague, who has been so lazy these few months and now he is an appointment holder, he expects us to do what he will reluctant to do if he is not an appointment holder. i mean, why oh why do u expect us to do it when you, in the first place, wont do it if ppl ask u to? so i decided to play a little bit of payback/revenge/being a bastard. i rejected what he asked me to do on purpose, but i decided to help out the guy who got arrowed on the SAME job instead.

i wanted him to feel the pain. i wanted him to feel the agony of every appointment holder that has been calling out for volunteers. i wanted him to feel it.

and then i realised, no fiq, this isnt the way. another colleague of mine, who knows about these situations, told me to stay neutral. we all should live life the right way by not taking anyone's side and just be yourself. we should treat people the same way you want them to treat you.

he got me thinking. and im pretty sure some of you will be thinking of the above sentence.


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heh.

i just had a recent presentation. it was to assess our presentation skills as an officer. so yeah. we could talk about anything in the world. took me awhile to get a subject to talk on and i decided to talk about computers.

what? computers? boring topic? geek sia? heh. what i learned is that the topic does not matter. the presenter MATTERS alot. if the presenter can arouse the audience in his topic, then he is successful.

of course, we were given critiques for our presentations. and i must say, i kinda improve alot of my presentation skills. i remember during my poly days when i would fear presentations, standing infront of the class and talk nonstop with the powerpoint slides behind me. i would stutter, i would read from the slides, i would have alot of fillers in my sentences, alot of pauses etc. my colleagues told me i did an excellent job during my presentation altho there were still areas of improvement.

i pretty sure that some of the readers here are afraid of presentation but really, it takes practice and dont be shy to rehearse by looking at the mirror. confidence. confidence. confidence. i cannot stress enough on confidence. dont let the fear control you. dont say that youre shy. because this is life.

and life is about taking chances. if you are shy, if you aint confident, then u aint going nowhere. if u dont try, you will never know.

somehow, just somehow, on the 15th of May, i woke up with the feeling that im a different person. different as in, i know that i have changed for the better. =)

of life and everything else.

100th post.

20/04/09.

Life. Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose. you cant have everything you want even though you work so hard for it. This is life and I have learnt to accept it. I teared infront of everyone when i knew that i would be put out of course from Jungle Confidence Cource (JCC). Ex. Nomad pushed us so hard that falling out halfway thru JCC is just like stabbing me in the heart. yes, it was a stupid and careless mistake i must admit but accidents happen and lesson learnt.

Life. There are many ups and downs. Just exactly like Ex. Nomad. What goes up, must come down. Ultimately, the experience matter the most and if not, the destination.

Right now, two Out-of-Course(OOC) from OCS infront of me, playing squash happily and smiling. They must know how i feel right now but i would say their situation was much worse than mine. They got over it because there's more to life.

Life. There's really more to it than JCC. Even tho Ex.Nomad was the one and only exercise I've been through, it was definitely the most memorable experience in brunei. Even tho it was just 3 days, i have learnt alot, during and after. the jungle can never ever be underestimated.

Memories of that moment keep going thru my mind. I thought to myself, why did i do that? why didnt i just do it a different way? why should i even do it in the first place? many different questions were asked but i have only one answer for it. That this is life and shit happens and it is how we grow from this and mould to be a better person.

the wound is still bleeding. yes, the real wound on my shin and the wound in my heart. its time to get over it. the JCC badge wont make me a better officer. IT IS JUST A BADGE. importantly, it is the person donning the uniform and the rank that matters.

'For one to survive, one must die.' the Survivor's Creed.

I get to live to fight another day.

i can still feel the pinch in my heart sometimes when ppl talk about JCC. i mean, i missed almost half of the experience. i really wanted to go thru this JCC and get the badge. and then i realise, it doesnt matter. i got friends telling me i can manage thru JCC fine, telling me that i am more than capable. its even sadder when u know some guys are just going thru motion and think they are "Jungle Confident".

its good to know too, that i have many people by my side. and that u can see the true friends in the platoon. and i can see that JCC really made my friends more appreciative of what they have. and it also showed many bastards out there.

and u guys out there reading this. remember, dont be too disheartened if you lose in life. its how u pick up yourself after that.

ahh. life. it should be enjoyed. =D

of being away in the jungle

always keep your mind sharp syafiq.

always.

21days again.

10days to test my own strength and mentality.

nothing's never easy in this world.

for i will get that Jungle Confidence Course(JCC) Badge after that 10days.

i will. and i will work hard for it.

take care while im gone, yet again. =)

of different walks of life

i really havent had the time to blog recently, due to the limited hours of bookouts i have from post-taiwan to pre-brunei.

but i can always say a few words before i can begin a good post before i fly off to brunei on the 7th of april.

"it's one thing for the body to go weak but another for the mind."

"the mind can never give up and if it does, you might as well be dead knowing you didnt try your best"

of not knowing what to expect

21 days.

thats how long im gonna be gone for.

Taiwan. its gonna be cold. but im excited. excited for this trip. it wont be easy but i know it'll be fun. ppl claim that overseas exercises are the best experience.

take care when im gone.
i'll be back on the 26th feb at 8am!! rawr!

but.. sigh.

excited yet i feel strange.

of keeping one motivated

technically speaking, i have four months left. i still remember vividly before i enter to OCS. i was afraid. so so afraid. hell, who wouldnt be afraid of nine months of shit?

ive come to far to give up now. looking back, time has past by so fast yet it feels so slow right now. time after time, i've been down but...

after looking at my family photo, after reading the letter from field camp, after looking thru the happy faces in facebook, somehow, i smiled. every soldier has their own motivation and i just mentioned mine. we all have something to fight for, not just soldiers, even normal civilians like u. studies, sports, you name it. its a competition out there.

after watching band of brothers, im inspired. It is not gonna be easy to be an officer and now is the time to make mistakes and LEARN from them. it is never too late in OCS.

whats your motivation?

of fighting spirit

"endure"
"just a lil' bit more, fiq, just endure"
"u failed because of a stupid mistake, now its time to prove everyone that this is possible"
"cmon, just endure, glory is waiting"
"are you weak?"
"then run, run like you never run before"

knees felt weak, out of breathe, i kept running. i could really feel my lungs bursting, my legs collapsing any moment. i could my head feeling heavy, my heart beating so fast, i felt time was slowly down on me. the finishing line was just 400m away. it was painful. it was killing me softly but i had to go on. i had to do it.

when you know the end is near, but somehow something wants you to give up because it too painful. you know that you are trying your best. it isnt about physically challenging but it mentally challenging. but your mind got tired trying to fight the never-ending battle. and then it comes to this.

the fighting the spirit in YOU. it was like the last resort that i had left. the fighting spirit in me. i failed my SOC by 3 seconds because of a stupid mistake and i dont wanna repeat it again. its painful. a painful 9mins, i told myself.

100m left. i could already feel my feet burning inside my boots. i opened my strides, i swung my arms. 2 guys were infront of me within 25metres reach. of all people, Master Sergeant Ronnie was at the end line yelling at us, "THE THREE OF YOU BETTER OVERTAKE ONE ANOTHER, AND YOU, U FAILED BY A FEW SECONDS, YOU BETTER SPRINT AND OVERTAKE!"

somehow, the spirit in me started to burn, like an ember fired up. i pushed harder, overtaking the 1st man and almost reaching the 2nd man, i ended the test. 8:55. 9:29 was the passing mark.

the pain was gone. i just felt so relieved. the feeling was like, on top of the world. i hate near misses and thats why i felt sooooo joyous. im thankful for my instructors who kept poking me saying "3secs fiq, 3 secs" over the past few days. i just shook my head. but now i can hold my head up high. knowing ive passed it. its no big feat actually, but im actually making it so. haha. =D

fighting spirit. a spirit we will never realise the true potential till the hard and painful times. its what that keeps us going.

of the new year and being yourself

its a brand new year. and definitely theres a need for some resolutions.

1) commission SAFELY(i used to be so stubborn u see, injured/sick also want to chiong) as an Officer in the SAF. Commissioning Parade on the 13th June.
2) save money. must save save save save save already. always so broke last year.
3) learn as much as i can this year(too lazy sometimes last year)
4) not telling you! or you! :D

2008. just wow. so many things happened. Graduation, working for Asia Outdoors, enlisted to the Army on the 14th June and selected to go Officer Cadet School on the 22nd Sept. I must say, time pass really fast when you're looking back. The people i've met in AO and the army has broadened my perspective of every individuals and first impressions dont really last till u get to know them better.

AO instructors, so many of them work in different unique ways. the army, has exhausted me so much but i persevered. my recent injury, has demoralised me so much. if i had just one word to describe everything about 2008, the word is "mentality".

I have been down countless times during 2008 but something always kept me going. I remember i cried so hard during BMT when i received a letter from my family during our dreaded 6days field camp. i remember i got so tired while leading the students up gunung panti. i remember the exhausting times in army when theres alot of thought of just giving up. and so much more. 2008 made me realised that i have something in myself. and that is positive attitude that keeps me going in whatever the circumstances are.

I cared so much for the students during AO, I gave my all in the army(of course got slack times :D) and i put my heart and soul in everything i did. people would say pride, people would say crazy, people would say so many things but why should i care of what people say when i can be myself and yet enjoy the moments.

during my recent interview with my instructor in OCS, he asked me to rate myself in the platoon. 1 being the best, 5 being the worst. "2 sir" "no syafiq, you are 1, you are one of the best in the platoon and i want you to keep it up." those words shocked me and of course, i wanted to smile but i held back. haha. he questioned me again "what have u done and deserved this?" and i thought for a moment. i couldnt think of anything that could justify the question so i just said "i dont know?"

i went back to my bunk and gave alot of thought on that question. and then it struck me. If i dont know what ive done, then i was just BEING MYSELF. being yourself means that you have done something and you dont even realise it or even think about it for a moment before doing something. i had a mentality to come OCS and slack but i just couldnt :S haha!

but i must say, my recent knee injury has demoralised me alot. my fire has been down.im proud to say this tho, that my positive attitude has been trying its best to light the fire again. i have 5 more months left and i remember before coming to OCS, that i have NINE LONG MONTHS and now i left with 5. FIVE.

lets do this fiq. top priority: take care of that knee and STOP BEING STUBBORN!

RAWRS.