of the game

life's been great these days. started flying, exploring the world with my very own eyes, meeting new people with different walks of life, biting bullets along the way, climbing up the progression ladder and what more.

Since the last post, gosh, I've learnt and experienced way too many things. It ain't overwhelming, its just that I'm only 22. Maturing myself is something that I'm trying to accomplish and I do know sometimes I am childish, but hey, nothing wrong being a child at heart yeah? but of course, maturity goes a long, long, loooong way.

I've been down and been reflecting and I've learnt that life goes only one way.

Forward.

I've been hit hard by life. But there's really no point in dwelling. I keep telling myself to let it go, to move on, to go forward. It's difficult but I keep trying. Day by day, I try to keep myself busy and not think about the heartbreaking moments. Flight by flight, I try to find myself. Giving myself an early xmas gift. Canon G12. Picking up a new hobby(photography) along the way.

I want to believe that I moved on. There were some nights I would dream about her and I would wake up disappointed, but life has to go on again. I remember I asked a friend, "don't you feel lonely at times?"

He replied "I do, but I'm happy this way till I find the right person." I didn't knew what he meant, till now.

I realised I've been focusing my energy on the wrong things. well, ALL my energy. I guess work's more important now, to get back to my feet, increase my self-confidence and focus the right amount of energy in everything I do.

This maturing thing is getting to me, somehow, one way or another.

all is fair in love and war, and i'm back into it again. but i learnt my lessons now. like she said, "people change".

watch out world.

of that very fear i fear

Here I am again, but I felt that this is the only way I could express my thoughts and emotions.

Life has been really a roller coaster ever since I've signed on that dotted line, understanding that the job will have high expectations of oneself, through any means necessary. Never knew that I also had free tickets to a brand new emotional theme park.

I met this beautiful lady during my second day of the interview. Although we didn't make any conversation amongst ourselves, but we were part of a group who were anxiously waiting for the final round of interview. My friend 'D' and I agreed that she was beautiful. I told 'D' to get to know her, since its been a long time he has dated. He refused, saying that he is not rushing to date any.

We met again in another separate occasion and this time, she really caught my eye. No words could explain that moment but I thought I was just an infatuation. Even though I was talking and making jokes to other ladies in the room, somehow I kept wishing she would join in the fun. Somehow I kept pushing this feeling to 'D' and again he refused yet again.

Being the cheeky me, I decided to look her up in Facebook (like every other girls when I know their name) and voila, I found her. Being a good friend of 'D', I shared the info and we added her eventually. I only knew she and 'D' would chat in Facebook. I would be looking at her photos and just be amazed on how she looks beautifully.

First day of our training and there she was again with her friend, sashaying her way over to the security gates while I was in awe. 'D' and I approached her and we made our way to our class, as she was leading the way. I could still remember vividly that she was wearing a white dress, with a gigantic Foundation Term book across her arm. It was weird, honestly. Somehow in some way this beautiful lady has gotten my attention, and not many girls do. I knew 'D' had her number so I asked, and almost immediately asking her to join us for dinner with another mutual friend. I could still remember that evergreen smile on her face when her batch came to greet us and when she greeted me personally "Hello Syafiq" on her turn, my heart just melted right through my stomach.

She rejected but I was determined to get to know her. She knew me by the scandal boy back then because of 'D'. String of smses came along after that. Day by Day. Night by Night. It was really enjoyable to get to know her and the infatuation turned out to be strong feelings after awhile. I would tell 'D' that she and I had been smsing each other for awhile and he even jokingly said "If you guys get together already I will be damn shock la" on the 2nd week of our training. I thought I could brush this feeling away, but when I saw 'D' smsing and talking to her at work, I would get jealous. At that point of time, I knew that the feelings were true. I would get so excited going back home and would log in MSN almost instantly to chat with her. There would be smiles and laughter in every conversation and it has been a long time that I had this feeling.

For 'D' would get really emotional at times and I just couldn't figure out why. I probed him with questions but being the stubborn him, he just refused to let me know. After much investigation and pondering, it dawned upon me that he had feelings for her as well.

Few weeks passed, and I knew I wasn't being myself. I was torn between two important things in my life. Love or Friendship? People would say Love is a very strong word, but I knew this is how I felt towards her.

To keep it simple with no bombastic words, the feeling sucked. hard.

D and I wouldn't even talk, so much so it built a tension so strong that one day he just blurted out on me right infront of the class and walked off. Even our "make-out" conversation after that didn't turned out right. I had this feeling that he hates me as he felt he had the initial eye contact, but I never knew how he felt towards her. If I knew, I wouldn't have even initiated the courtship.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

This isn't the first time that my friends and I will have feelings for a girl at the same time. Usually I would give in, suffering in the shadows. But this time, this lady is different and I can't really find words to explain myself. I have initially tried to give in again, but night will always be filled with tears. This lady has made me realised that the feelings I had grew even stronger, that it might turned out to be love. And whenever I fall in love, a few things will happen and namely for this case, it is the triangle.

Sometimes I asked myself. Do I deserve all this? Do I even deserve love in the first place? Why must it be between a friend, which I have known very well for two years? Both of us would agree that we do not know each other now. The things that love can do.

And that is the exact reason why I fear love. because shit will happen. This emotional roller coaster has been really a great ride which made me realised that one day, I will and must overcome this fear. I have made my commitment that I will stand by her side if she needs me. Whoever that she ends up with, I would want her to feel what is love, for it is the greatest feeling.

For the past few days, I know I have been childish. All along I have been lonely and I hated the feeling. All I am asking is for someone that I could share my sorrows and joy with, that I look forward to meet, that I can be honest without any fear, that I can grow and mature with, and most important that I can be myself.

As much as I want her to text/call me everyday, as much as I want her to be my side all the time, as much as I want her to feel the same way as I do, as much as I want to kiss her, as much as I want to hug her, I know I can't. Because ultimately it is her decision. All I can say is that I am thinking of her all the time.

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There are things that I have done in consideration for feelings of others but I realised I haven't considered my own.

I would try to sms her discreetly, because 'D' would always turn towards my direction.

I would tell her to always reply 'D' because she means everything to 'D' and even the simplest of replies would make him be himself around others.

I would tell her to not sms me and enjoy the night with 'D'.

I would tell 'D' that there is always a chance.

I would try to cover up my tracks so that 'D' would not know that I am going out with her.

I would try to divert the conversation with 'D' whenever he asked if I am going out with her.

I would do anything just to make the both of them happy. I would try not to sms/call her, so that I would not pressurize her.

and many others. but never once I felt that I need to step up my game to impress her. I would want her to accept me for who I am.

But look at me now, all miserable. I think I have too good a heart. or maybe a bad one to start with, and karma has taken over. And some considerations have led to bad consequences. I think 'D' hates me now for lying to him the other night in Butter Factory.

Whatever happened to the happy-go-lucky Syafiq that I know?

Whatever happened to the Syafiq that everybody looked up to for inspiration and motivation?

Whatever happened to the Syafiq that would seem that he has the world in his hands?

She keeps talking to me about equity, but I feel that there is no need for equity. I feel that she's tired trying to handle the both of us but at the same time enjoys the company as well.

Sometimes, I am worried for her. I nag at her for a purpose, but maybe I shouldn't. Who am I to nag?

And sometimes I know that I made a big mistake when I threw my frustrations at her.

Sometimes I feel that she's hiding something from me, to keep me happy. All I ask for is honesty. The more I know, the more I feel that she could trust me.

All in all, I just want to know how she feels..

sigh. enough ranting for 3hours to the bloody blog. but i feel better definitely.

till then.

yours truly.

of life's a game

dont you hear sincerity in my voice when i talk?

of that day

It's been a year.

Memories overwhelmed my thoughts as I watch the video, not forgetting the tears that I tried to fight back. It was the proudest moment of my life and my loved ones.

The moment of glory will always be remembered.

of a fable

running from your past is like running in circles.

all this time, we got the fable of sleeping beauty wrong. the prince didnt kiss her to wake her up. no one who's slept for a hundred years is likely to wake up. it was the other way around. he kisses her to wake himself up from the nightmare that has brought him there.

and i can't keep living this way.

of 8 years.

very nice chilling session @ Blu Jaz (cheap yet good food!) and Marina Barrage.

its been 6 years since we got together. everyone has their own story to tell.

man, i can't even remember whether this is sec 2 or 3.

:)

of falling slowly

I don't know you

but I want you.

All the more for that.

Words fall through me

and always fool me

and I can't react.

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Backflip at kota tinggi resorts two years ago. Those were the days.. :)

of not afraid

I'mma be what I set out to be,

without a doubt undoubtedly.

And all those who look down on me

I'm tearing down your balcony.

eminem rocks.

of a long ride home

There are a few things that I need to do but I've been procrastinating. No more excuses. Need to clean and re-organise my room and clear out my wardrobe. rawrs. Maybe I should do a before and after photo hmmmm

Slowly, but surely. Starts now. Better late than never eh? :D

SIA Air Steward Interview on the 8th May. Pretty nervous but I'm confident. :D

and it seems like yesterday, it was just a dream. but those days are gone.

of a reminder

I love to win but sometimes, I just forget to have fun.

One day I would want to hire someone to do just one thing.

To remind me by whispering to my ear everytime I do something.

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"Have fun"

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Anyways, was looking thru photos in my harddisk and found this. That was 2 years ago, when they were sec 2. Wondering how are they now. :D

of being great

Just exactly one year ago, I laid down on my bed in Brunei with a bleeding heart and shin.

of life and everything else.

In the midst of my duty in camp, walking from one company to another, I recalled a few moments back in Brunei.

The moment I teared infront of everyone in the rover.

The moment I yelled in pain when the medic applied iodine to my wound.

The moment I wrote the encouraging letter for my team to go on without me.

The moment I was all alone in the bunk for 6 days, waiting for their arrival from JCC.

It was painful. It was tear jerking.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Many have asked me this. Too many in fact.

"Sir, why never sign on? You so fit and hardworking, sure can go far"

My reply? "Haha yeah, I thought about it but I feel that something great out there is waiting for me, thanks for the compliment tho"

I agree. Stable job & income. But really, I cannot escape this gut feeling that something great out there is waiting for me. I have a roadmap planned out for my life and i'll stick with my principles and beliefs. I know I must do one thing. Just one thing.

I have to be great.

of a dedicated post to Comd

I approached him and with all my sincerity, I gave a firm handshake and said "Thank you for everything, sir"

"I hope you have learned something"

We exchanged wide smiles. As I walked away, I mumbled to myself, "Most definitely."

He is by far the best mentor/boss I have worked with. Well, he isn't really my boss, more like a big boss to me. A patient yet inspiring leader, I will miss working together with him. By just looking and observing on how he communicates and listens, his actions alone have inspired me to whole new level. I really admire his endless energy, quick thinking and patience. It was he, the humble and avid-adventurer Colonel, who made me realised that my work here had a greater purpose which always push me further whenever I'm down and worn-out. His story of conquering Mt. Everest and reaching the south pole with his worn out ankles is still very inspiring to hear.

His favourite phrase to me, "Not scolding you ah, this is a learning process ok."

His guidance had always make me reflect on my own leadership skills. This is why leaders aren't born.

They are groomed.

Thank you again, COL Ang Yau Choon.

of decisions

The hard part isn't making the decision.

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It's living with it.

of that moment

Do you know that everytime you're near,

everybody else seems so far away.

So can you come and make them disappear,

make them disappear and we can stay.

5am. /flex

of online shopping

for future reference.

polo 1

polo 2

polo 3

polo 4

polo 5

polo 6

yes. recently, i have an obsession for polos.

of a dream

I was on my bed fer almost the whole day on Friday, loving every moment of it. With my left hand hugging my pillow and my right over my head, I said something to myself.

"I'll be a successful man one day, with a beautiful wife and kids."

I sat up, smiled and there I was, back to reality...

hooray.

of clearing the air

I decided to enforce a few things back in the office last Thursday. I wasn't being harsh. I just wanted things to be fair for both parties. So two colleagues posted something pretty ugly in facebook and I thought it was directed at me. Of course, like i mentioned i "thought".

So I decided to clear the air. One should never be afraid to face your opponents.

Turned out it wasn't me but we had a good talk in the end and at the same time telling them to understand my situation. Its never good to be the middle man to be honest. All my intentions were never bad, they were good.

And I hope both parties understand this.

ANYWAY. COUNTDOWN LO. Who needs an application/software/countdown timer when you have the newpaper counting down for you everyday? :P

(coincidentally, my ORD falls on the start of the World Cup)

:D

of disappointment

Sometimes you try to make an effort to change certain things - you end up disappointed anyway.

The problem doesn't lie with the people or myself. Change IS the problem.

I know some shit's so hard to swallow,

But I can't just sit back and wallow

in my own sorrow

but I know one fact,

I'll be one tough act to follow.

of ...

I guess it's official.

All I can do now is smile and pretend that everything's the same.

If you're happy, then I wish you well because I have been a coward.

Let's start all over again eh, fiq?

of being an instructor

It's been a week since I came back from St. Theresa's Convent Pulau Ubin Camp. To be honest, the girls were wonderful. After a 2 year hiatus, I was back in the business. Working as an instructor is far more fulfilling than any other jobs I have taken up so far. Of so many camps that I have done, this was the only camp that had the most impact on me and of course, I almost cried - multiple times.

I had to serve the girls.

I had to carry alooot of logistics for the events.

I had to teach.

I had to boost their morale.

I had to do many other things that at the end of the night, I felt satisfied of my achievements.

But importantly, when I decided I would take up the job, I had only one goal in mind - To change their lives or at most, give them the best ever camp experience of their lifetime. Thanks to my mirror instructor and attached instructor, we worked together to achieve our common goal.

The best feeling ever?

It wasn't the time to sleep.

It wasn't the time I could rest.

It wasn't the time I was all alone in my own world.

It was when the girls and their teacher approached me to say one simple word.

"Thanks." - with the best ever sincerity they could ever show me when I look in their eyes.

And to me, it wasn't about the money when I did the job.

But I won my kind of million dollars. :)

of another song

of two values

I have to be honest. The past three days were hectic and mind draining. I can't believe that it's Thursday already.

I hate it when very clear instructions were given out weeks before and people don't heed them. And because of these people, I have to wait for their submissions and work even harder to meet the deadline. My colleague said this "Two values that people will never change. Stupidity and Stubbornness."

but I'm glad the impossible became possible. Job's done and I need a break. But no... more things coming up.

3 more months to ORD. and my Commander said this to me before I left his room.

"Syafiq, don't ORD ok."

I smiled, shook my head, and walked away.

and i realised today that i'm kinda lonely. :/

of your thinking

Sometimes I wonder,

Why am I tanking all the big events when the other is just doing a simple task.

Why am I doing this when the other can eat his lunch and I can't.

Why am I wearing that rank which people will always look up to me and ask me the 5 W and 1 H.

Everyday I ask myself these questions.

If one could change one's thinking, the world can be different.

Just imagine.

It starts to pour heavily on a beautiful day.

Person A might feel "Arghhh I hate the rain"

Person B might feel "Wow good weather for once!"

You see, that's just a simple example. But I hope I make my point.

That what you feel is what you think.

Everyday I will think that I am the right man for the job.

Everyday I will think that people trust in me and that's why they ask these questions.

Everyday I will think on how to make people happy.

And I don't go

"Ah Fuck my Life, everything I also kena"

"Why is the work bearing me dowwwnnnn"

"Why are you people asking me sooo many questions when I am so busy?!"

If I am beating around the bush, I am saying that,

Your thinking can change who you are.

Think about it.

of the little things

He was intelligent and a bright young man but nothing can be taken for granted ever since he attempted suicide only recently. He blamed his mum, exclaimed that she does not deserve to be a mother. He further on explained that he was deeply disappointed with his mum and being disappointed is much worse than being angry, which I totally agreed with him. His dad? Well, he passed away 11 years ago.

I compared his life to mine and I'm so ever grateful for my good family upbringing. My parents worked so hard for all four of us to be where we are today. They are getting old and I guess it is my filial duty to take care of them now. Every month I would give them $100 each and would at least plan a dinner or movie with them to hang out as one happy family. These are the little things we human choose to avoid, mainly love and commitment.

After my stint in the many adventure camps and army trainings, the experience gained made me believe that life should not be taken for granted. We all should enjoy what we have, even if it means that you are one level down than the rest. Why? Because happiness is a wonderful thing.

Remember, always enjoy the little things.

of looking in yer eyes

I don't wanna look in your eyes someday, I see no spark, no love, no life.

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That would break my heart.

of a determined mind

One should always try, but not too hard.
One should always take things easy because life is always hard.

Take it easy yo!


the sound of an old guitar is saving you...

of catching up

It's kinda funny.

One of my resolutions was to play catch-up with my long lost friends and strangely enough, day by day, I accidentally bumped to most of them and had a short catch-up session on the spot. It's great to know that they're doing well. :D

Anyways, 4 more months.

Can't wait!

of many thoughts

There are some thoughts that I really need to get it answered.

or maybe it just doesn't deserve any answers... sigh.

I can't believe what I'll do...

of inside of love

this is an old song, but old songs doesnt mean they die.

and no, I'm not emo. hah!

of a New Year part 2

but... I have no regrets, because no one should live with regrets.

Ever since the new year began, I've done so many thing I should have done last year. A medical checkup on my knee, which I am going through physiotherapy now, made an appointment for my Dental Checkup for my gum problems, met up with friends to catch up and get medication for my disgusting foot rot. Still, there are many more on the to-do-list, but hey, this is only the first month!

I got confused when I was planning for my future. I mean, really, there's so many things one can do. I wanted to fly, study, go back to playing sports competitively again, just to name a few. I even had trouble thinking of what new year's resolutions I should have.

I was searching for my notebook in my office and I stumbled upon a book which I decided to take a peek. And strangely enough, the page that I flipped to said this "First ask yourself this question, what do you want?" and it further explains that by asking this question alone solves the many questions in your head. I chuckled at my luck and I sat down in the cold office thinking of what I want.

And now I know. Sometimes we search for one thing but discover another. I'm still in the midst of writing down of what I want but at least I made the first move and I'm glad I did.

so, what do you want?

of a New Year part 1

Here it is again.

A brand new year.

I must say, 2009 was really full of ups and downs.

It tested my limits,
brought me to hell and back,
showed me who are I really love,
opened my eyes to who my true friends are,
gifted me the opportunity to learn and grow,
directed me a path to what is true leadership,
taught me that life should not be taken for granted,
enlightened me that the world is out there waiting for you,
presented that dreams are not all about reality but fears as well,
and made me believe that one can make a huge difference in a person's life.

What doesn't kill you will make you stronger. Fears are part of parcel of life. It is how we want to overcome them or just chicken out and let the fear ruin the mind. If we don't take calculated risks, we will never walk the talk and from there, we cannot walk the walk.

I'm half-smiling while I'm typing. Why? Because for 2009, I was always afraid. But this is 2010, where I know I must overcome the fears because if I don't try, I will never, ever, know. Man, I should be crowned the King of Procrastinators in 2009. There were so many things that I should have done but...